l'espirit de l'escalier

summertime thoughts

where have the last four months gone?  i feel like i just quit my job and started my second undergraduate degree.  now i’m almost halfway finished and a honor candidate to boot.  this feels like the college experience i didn’t get at uc riverside.

i made five new year’s goals.  i’ve made three of them, and by the end of the year, i really will have completed all of them.  i really felt that 2011 was a waste—i completed nothing for myself.  this year, i’m going to two (possibly three) different countries i have never been to.  i’m going to live my dream of being in paris for bastille day.  i have red lip gloss ready for when i kiss oscar wilde’s grave in pere lachaise.  i have my heavily annotated and bookmarked copy of le morte d’arthur for when i visit winchester and finally see the (possibly real) round table.  i will make my own pilgrimage to cantebury, where one of my favorite historical figures, st. thomas a becket, was martyred.

oh, and i’ll be staying about ten minutes away from the ancient, world wide celebrated olympics.

this summer i’ll see history being made and i’ll see where history was created thousands of years ago.  i’ll breathe the same air as the fateful lady jane grey.  i’ll drink in the same pubs as james joyce.  i’ll bathe in roman baths that were used in 43 AD.

i revere the old, ancient things that you just can’t find in america.  it is quite possible that i will cry when i see whitehall palace, or the old roman walls in london.

i’ve been done with finals for a few days now, and i’ve already devoured a re-reading of world without end.  i get so swept in that epic.  it just makes me all the more excited to see my very first cathedral in a little over a month.

the programme in cambridge is my 24th birthday present to myself.

i actually became sad for the first time over my trip just a few weeks ago, that my first adventure to europe will be on my own.  i have a friend here and there that i will meet up with over the course of my trip, but i am flying there alone, and will be spending a few days on my own.  i had always thought that my first trip to europe would be with my sister or with my significant other, but i feel like i am getting older, and there’s little point waiting.  this is the grand move that i do for myself so that i may feel that i have sown my wild oats, that i have done something grand for me, for myself.  i don’t owe my happiness from this trip to anyone but me.

it’s selfish, but i think it’s just what i need to make me grow up.

I just want to be someone’s princess.

Hey, I’ll say it outright. I want to be someone’s princess. I want to be the girl you never get over. I want to be the one who is so valuable to you that you forget any other girl in your life. I want to be the one.

What will you do? I asked.
You’ll just have to trust me, you said. I’ll make it work.

That’s not good enough for me. I need to know what will make us less doomed than we are now? Will you be the most gentle with me? Will you protect me, love me, treasure me? I’m not looking to be spoiled. I want to be so loved that you would never imagine hurting me ever again.

I want to know we can sit in a coffee shop together, that you’ll be ok with the silence, that you’ll sneak roses from public gardens to slip in to my hair.

I want to know that you’re ok with staying in, that I’d rather have dinner with a few people than party with a crowd.

I want to know that you’ll go with me to bookstores and sit in the travel aisle while we read guidebooks and point out places we want to see.

I want to know I can fall asleep to you playing with my hair, that we can literally sleep next to each other, and you’ll give me most of the blanket.

I am scared to go out on this limb. I’ve become insecure about these things. I can tell you textbook facts, but I’m not experienced in these things. If it has to do with the heart, I’m bat blind. I’m scared. Make me brave.

(Also, I want you to give me a Tiffany’s key necklace for my birthday, but I won’t hold my breath.)

I hear you snickering.

A lot of people don’t give a shit about school, but I do. Everyone can keep laughing at me now, but in ten years when I’m successful, we’ll see who’s still laughing when some people will be in the exact same place I left them.

can we get around this mess?

i’m just tired.

i wish i could start everything over again.  things would be so different.  instead of being tired and exhausted, everything would be new and exciting again.  you would think i’m the sweetest girl ever, that i would still have that charm and cleverness you were attracted to. i’d still find you funny, full of life, and exciting to talk to.

never so much have i just wanted to go away and start again.  i’ve done it enough times in my life, i’ve been lucky enough for that.  i feel like my time here has already begun to expire, and i’m tired of being here.  i’m tired of having the same friends as you.  i’m tired of running in to someone i know everywhere i go.  i’m tired of feeling like i am watched and i am questioned everywhere i go.

i wish you could see things the way i have.  i wish you could just remotely understand an inkling of what and why i think things.

there’s no use defending myself.

i could be ready.  i could be ready.

Misconceptions

I’m not mean, I just don’t find your whining cute.
I’m not pretentious, I’ve just seen better.
I’m not a bitch, I just stand for what I firmly believe in.
I’m not a nerd, I’m passionate.
I’m not picky, I just know what I like.
I’m not stupid, I’ve just gone farther than you will ever comprehend.
I’m not a handful, I’m just a lot of surprises.
I’m not jealous, I just want to be the only one you need.
I’m not weak, I just choose when to show my strength.